Slipping Through My Fingers
by roza m belicova
Summary: She'd asked for one thing, but perhaps this time she really had asked for too much. Because she wanted him to forgive himself, and Dimitri just didn't know if he could do that. Somewhat drably and pure angst be warned.
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys. So I did say something about the possibility of another one shot, and you guys were really sweet on the last one I posted, so here goes.

I own nothing.

Slipping Through My Fingers.

He was trapped in his own personal hell. It was just like all that time he'd spent locked up when he'd just been restored, only this time he was his own prisoner. At least back then she still wanted something to do with him, it was amazing how the rolls had switched now.

She had asked for one thing, but apparently it was the one thing he couldn't give her. He couldn't forgive himself, how could he? He had hurt so many people, killed with no remorse whatsoever. And for what? So he could become a God among strigoi? Now that he could see it with new eyes, eyes unclouded by bloodlust and the soulless monster he had been, he knew he had been a fool. Of course he had been a fool, all he had ever wanted was to be a guardian. That might have shifted a little when he'd met Rose, might have made him dare to want more. And then he had been turned and it had all gone to hell.

And what was worse was the position he now found himself in. He had been given back his guardian status, could've been charged to protect Christian just like he and Rose had planned what felt like a life time ago. The difference now was that he didn't have her. Oh, he knew it was his fault, all it would've taken to keep her by his side was three simple little words, but they were the three words he could not make himself say.

So now, he felt stupid for everything he'd ever complained about before because nothing before had ever been as bad as this, not even when he was trying to fight his feelings for Rose. Every day was his own personal hell now. Every day the fact that he could drag his stupid ass out of bed felt like a miracle. And the nights when he could actually sleep and didn't find himself wide awake and staring at the sun were few and far between.

How many nights had he wished she had gotten the stake all the way in that night on the bridge? The answer to that was simply too damn many. Ok maybe he was being a little melodramatic. Or a lot, depending on where you were standing. He was glad for the second chance he had been given. He knew it was all because of his Roza, but she also could not have done it without Lissa's help. That was why he had turned down the offer to guard Christian. Because maybe if he protected Lissa then his damn life would mean something and all that Rose had sacrificed to save him would not have been for nothing.

Yeah, right. There was an ulterior motive and he knew it. So maybe he was a masochist, because surely there was no other reason for why he continued to put himself in such close proximity to her. Fuck that shit about protecting Lissa. It was crap and he knew it. She didn't need him. She had Rose and a dozen other guardians at her disposal.

But the thing was, Dimitri just couldn't get enough of Rose. He loved her, he wanted a life with her, no matter what bullshit he spewed to himself. And when he woke up from a nightmare, heart racing and drenched in sweat struggling to drag air into his lungs and remember where he was and that he could walk into the sun without incinerating on the spot, it was the thought of her that calmed him down. It was the thought of her courage and unflinching determination which sent her after him when he had been turned, the tenderness he saw in her eyes whenever she looked at him, tenderness he was sure he would never see again. It was her selflessness and sharp tongue, her whit, the sound of her voice, and yes, the memory of what being wrapped up in her arms felt like.

The closest he could ever get to any of that ever again was when he saw her around others. So he turned down guarding Christian and hid behind his honor bound façade. Every day he watched her, and soaked it all in, and every night he fell apart both because of his dreams and because of the longing he knew nothing would ever quell.

The end. Yes I really did just do that. Thoughts people please and thank you.

XXX

Roza


	2. Chapter 2

Oh my god look guys I can't do it ok? I can't split them up! They're too perfect, there love is too real and too beautiful and I just I ugh. RL sucks enough as it is sometimes there's no reason why fiction should too! My heart hurts so I had to do more.

I still own nothing!

Dimitri having nightmares was slowly becoming a familiar thing. It didn't mean that Rose liked it, though. There was something completely heart wrenching about seeing her baby like that. This was probably why her eyes opened the second she felt him tense up. He was murmuring in Russian, too fast for her to even try to comprehend what he was saying.

"Baby," At first her voice had no effect whatsoever. He still thrashed, shaking and drenched in sweat, eyes closed and reaching for something.

"Come on love," She said gently. "Open your eyes for me." She wrapped her arms around his shaking body as his eyes flew open and he gasped.

"You're here," He said pulling her tight against him. "Thank god." He muttered burying his face in her hair and breathing her in. Rose blinked hard. This wasn't the first time he'd woken up from a nightmare and was both relieved and surprised to find her in his bed.

If she said she didn't know why, she would be lying. Because she did know, she knew it was because she had given him an ultimatum all those weeks ago. She'd told him that he needed to forgive himself because what he had done as a strigoi was out of his control. And it was true, her Dimitri was nothing like soulless undead Dimitri, she just didn't realize how badly the idea of her walking away had scared him. Though she should have, because the thought of him telling her he couldn't do it and forcing her to leave had scared her, too.

"Of course I'm here," She said. "It was just a dream love. Whatever it was, was just a dream." Letting her voice and the feel of her body resting against him soothe him, Dimitri closed his eyes and relaxed.

"I will always be right here," She said. "I promise." And then her hands were on his face and her lips were on his, sealing her promise with a kiss. He kissed her back, thankful that somehow he had found the strength to forgive himself for the horrible things he had done as a strigoi, because of all the terrible dreams he had, tonight's had been the worse. Life without Rose was no life at all.

Ok now that's really it. Leave me some love? Please?

XXX

Roza


End file.
